return my video game
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
