Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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