Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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