i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
