Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
