I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
