Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize