Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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