I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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