I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My vagina is very pro this idea
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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