This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
