He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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