You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Are my feet made of real feet?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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