Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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