Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
