I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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