apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
this is an emotional support booty call
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
