Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
two words...techno handjob
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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