I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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