i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Vodka?
Forever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
