The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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