I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
