did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
