What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
