Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
