Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
