My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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