Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
