Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
