You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
