she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
