Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
