I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
