Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
