dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
