Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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