she looked like the bat from fern gully.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
