I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
