When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
