i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
