i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
