At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
