So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
