Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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