mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
