Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
