If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize