I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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