Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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