If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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