I wish I could teleport
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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