PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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