youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
