Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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