apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
