Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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