Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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